Grief Support
Why It Hurts So Badly:
Psychological Factors in Grieving the Loss of a Pet
A pet relationship represents an intimate, mutually rewarding connection. When this relationship is severed through the death of the pet, an equally strong painful grief reaction is often experienced. Those who experience the most intense sense of loss are usually those who have given the most emotionally to their pets. Such a loss can be doubly difficult in that the pet relationship significantly reduces stress, yet the owner now lacks that relationship in this stressful time. This article presents particular aspects of the owner-pet relationship that lead to feelings of disorientation, emptiness, sadness, and loneliness during the difficult grieving process.
Unconditional Positive Regard from Your Pet
Whether you have had a bad or good day, or are in a pleasant or foul mood, your pet will give you consistent attention and affection. Your pet will wag, snuggle, and crawl into bed with you regardless of how you feel or how things are going in your life. In this relationship, you are free to experience feelings without worrying how your pet will react or think of you. This is a rare commodity in relationships, and pet owners deeply appreciate its value in the pet relationship. On the other hand, the loss of this positive regard feels irreplaceable, and a person going through the loss may experience fear that he or she will not be understood at that level again.
Predictability in Your Pet's Behavior
In addition to unconditional positive regard, pets are remarkably consistent in their behavior. For instance, when you walk through the door, you know precisely the greeting you will receive from your pet: mighty leaps into the air, a simple rub against your leg, or whips of the tail that would put the fiercest Komodo dragon to shame. Similarly, you become accustomed to the unique way that your pet plays and reacts to commands and social cues. These routines become important parts of our lives. After 5,475 days of being greeted in particular manner, or 10,950 identical reactions from your pet to "Are you hungry? Do you want to eat?" it is understandable that an owner feels emptiness when coming through the front door each day or when meal-time comes after
the pet is gone. Such a substantial change in habit causes disorientation, and regaining psychological balance takes time.
Uniqueness of Your Pet's Personality
Although your pet demonstrates predictability in its behavior, these behaviors vary greatly among different pets. Your dog or cat has its own personality, with all of the likes and dislikes, quirks, fetishes, and neuroses that go along with it. It is not simply a dog or cat that has been lost when your pet passes on, but a unique and special life. Furthermore, the common experience of feeling misunderstood and alone when someone suggests, "Why don't you get another pet?" is because that person is mistaking the specialness of the pet for a set of physical characteristics like four legs, fur, and a snout. If it were these characteristics the owner missed, getting a new pet would suffice, but of course it is the relationship with the pet's unique personality that cannot be replaced by any other creature. Allowing yourself to feel that uniqueness and consequent pain when the relationship ends honors the specialness and irreplaceable nature of your pet relationship. It is also symbolic of respect to both your pet and you, a person deserving of this fulfilling positive relationship.
Consistency of the Pet Relationship
Pet owners often express that their pet is like their child. This is indeed the case with one important exception: pets will always need their owners to survive. Until the day your pet's life comes to an end, he or she will depend on you for food, affection, and health maintenance. Your pet cannot talk, so you will always be in the position of carefully observing and interpreting non-verbal communication. Such a way of relating greatly increases closeness between you and your pet because you must apply vigilant attention and try to "get inside its head" in order to be an effective provider. Because of this, your sense that no one understands your relationship with your pet is correct, and the same is true for the particular experience of grief you will feel. However, other people are able to empathize or generally understand what it feels like to be in a special relationship and to lose that relationship.
Dr. Zimmerman is a licensed psychologist in private practice at Feiner & Associates, located at 2291 N. University Drive, Pembroke Pines, FL. He provides grief counseling and pet euthanasia counseling on an individual basis, and volunteers at The Broward County Humane Society facilitating Pet Loss and Grieving Support Groups. He can be reached at (954) 962-3855.
You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there
long before any of us. - Robert Louis Stevenson
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